It's not Obsession

This song is serious touching for me at the moment:


The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

So, tomorrow/today is my surgery.

Not gonna lie. Kinda nervous. And don't say, "Nothing to be nervous about, you'll be fine" because I KNOW that. I know I'm going to be fine and I'm even at the point where it's like, "I probably don't even have cancer, it's probably just a funky ulcer that just won't go away and it doesn't HAVE to be indicative of anything else" but still.

Part of it is because my mom isn't here. This is the first thing that's been seriously wrong with any of us since mom died and... well, she's just not here and it's scary. I don't know. Just, mom's make everything better. *shrugs* Call me a fatass weenie if you have to, but that's the way it is.

Per my doctor's request, I had a will made up. THAT was a reality check and probably the reason I'm all kinds of weird about it now. "Blah blah, use my stuff to pay off my debts, blah blah, everything goes to Kyle and my executor in trust and Cher's executor and the boss of Kyle and if she can't then Lani is, The End."

Just your basic stuff. All notarized and made official. Just... scary. It's all real and I'm all grown up and a single mom and ALONE.

I'm alone.

It's That Day again. Well, unless you're Lodi. Then it's ROCK ON time and Have a Dorito. I love Lodi.

( Click this For More Than You Wanted to Know )

I miss my mom.

... and I am just not feelin' it. Which, yeah. It's a shame and all that. And I guess people have noticed. Lodi said she doesn't like it that my Christmas season doesn't start until Christmas. Lani said that she misses me singing Christmas carols in August. And Cheryl said that I suck.

I'm sorry. I DO suck. It's not even right, I know.

I tried, though, right? I made cookies and baked muffins and bread and played Christmas carols... it didn't work.

Cher wanted to decorate the tree? I knew she wanted to go get more decorations and... yeah, I went, but eh. She mostly ended up doing most of the work.

Know why? I remember no power until Christmas Eve and then going, "Oh, yeah. Tree. I guess. Sure." And then staying up til two in the morning and doing it and it was all just SUCKY. CHRISTMAS SUCKED. I HATED IT.

AND I DON'T WANT TO HATE IT.

I hate this.

Have you ever, ever, ever read a more self-pity filled entry, like... ever? I win. I hate that.

Wow, I swear... it's like, November ended and December went to complete SHIT.

I don't think I've been in one SINCE [December of '06].

And now I'm convinced that they'll always really, truly bother me. A lot. :-/ Power's back on, it's only on here. All the stores and things are still out.

So, we're here. Trunk is still full. Mostly because... well, no room. And Rach's couch? SO much more comfy than Cher's. Jack's behaving and in good spirits. He's a happy baby which really? Yeah. :) Kyle was a happy baby, too. I love those kinds. About this couch though? The back? Super tall. The part your ass goes on? Um, it's so slender, I can't even sit cross legged on it. Sleeping on it? Barely can do it sideways, nevermind on my stomach. Last night, I woke up five separate times so by the time David got up at like, six? I was awake.

Kyle's in school. And by school, I mean like... this little set of cabins in the woods. It's just the most quaint thang EVAH. And by THAT I mean... it's in the woods. And everything is green: the trim is green and the colors are green and it's just... so in the woods. And all the outside signs are wood. It just... yeah. Cedar River Middle School. And then he'll go to Junior High (8-9) and then High School. So odd.

This place isn't that far from the mountains anyway. It's all woodsy and the cops all drive SUV's and shit.

SO, here we are.

... I think I'ma work at a gas station. Or the grocery store. *shrugs*



It's colder out here.


And? the internetz is sporadical.

So, a bit ago, Lodi's dad turned 60. Do you know what her family did? They gave him SIXTY birthday presents. Not like, anything major or super big, but cute little things. Just wrapped them all and gave them to him. Sixty birthday presents for his sixtieth birthday.

I thought that was so cool when she told me.

Today my mom would be 60.

So, a long time back, my sister had this bunny. His name was Nova.

Now, rabbits? SCARE ME. Don't give me that look. Didn't you READ Bunnicula as a child? Well, I did and yeah. Psh. Rabbit vampires, I'm just saying.

So, okay. Cher has Nova and it was 'Hold Nova!' or whatever. Well, the thing is? With the exception of dogs, small animals don't like me. Cats and rabbits and HAMSTERS. Yes. They all want to kill me in my sleep.

And CNN has this 'watch Fast Eddie meet Minnesota Fats' from The Hustler on TCM. I head over there and watch it and it's great. I love Paul.

Now, also back in the day, my mother used to give me shit for being afraid of Nova. And she'd talk about this movie, Night of the Lepus. YES! A movie about killer RABBITS!

I was like, "You. Are. Lying." She swore she wasn't.

So, I watch the The Hustler clip and go, "aww, Paul". AND WTF?! Down below?

CLIP TO NIGHT OF THE LEPUS!!!




Aww, Mommy. <3 There you go. Your boy, Paul? Totally led me to it.

Best. Carson. Moment. Ever.

<3

I love love LOVE taking showers at my sister's place. Why? Because she has all the fun, UBER girly stuff in her shower. If it's new on the market (and a gadget for the shower), she has it. Plus, all the best lotions, shampoos, conditioners, body washes, whatever. Also? When she messages me and says, "GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW?" It's the perfect excuse. Especially if I still don't get there until I was originally planning.

Add to that, there was no way I was driving over there on leather seats, top down on Lucy or not AFTER taking a shower. It's 91 degrees and I was GRODY. Psh. I just packed a bag and took one once I got here. THEN we went to the grocery store. YUM.

She's having a Grease party. You know, Grease is the word, and all. :D Lani's coming and Nicole is already here and Jenni's coming and Rach is not. :( Woe.

Rach & Cher SHOULD be even after this, though: Cher didn't go to Rach's birthday party and now Rach didn't go to Cher's summer blowout. Deal? Deal.

*dances off to play more Guitar Hero - which makes me think of RP and the SPN fandom*

[CNN Breaking News Article Here]

( And Under Cut )

So. Sad. OHMYGOD.

Kyle just said, "Aziz! LIGHT."

... :(