It's not Obsession

In a comment someone said to me somewhere else: I hate cancer cause it infringes on a relationship of trust you're supposed to have with your body, it's revolting against yourself, it's as unnatural as one can get.

It was a really great comment all around, really. She told me about how she'd had her own battle with cancer and how she'd just stopped the BS all around her and she'd been supremely self-indulgent during her chemo by getting 12 hours of sleep for the first time in her life, reading all the time (entire works, Proust, so on and so forth), until she felt like she could kick that shit out. She said, It's all about mind's superiority over the physical.

And while I don't think you can beat it completely by thinking good thoughts or whatever? I know that having a strong will is a good part of it. I know that having people who love you, who TRULY, DEEPLY love and care about you around you? Makes all the difference in the world.

I know that without Lani and Rachael and my sister constantly coming to see me in the hospital - and then Lani staying the week, and Rach stepping outside of her comfort zones while visiting me (driving in the dark and all the ickys while there) and my sister taking 12 days off and her company LETTING her do that - I mean, that's love. It reminds me of when I had to spend the weekend in the hospital when I first had seizures and EJ and Ali called me ALL WEEKEND for hours on end, just so I wouldn't be lonely. True friends.

I got so many flowers in the hospital and Misha, through her church, sent not just me but my son, teddy bears. Bears that now sit there and watch over me.

I couldn't do this without all of you. And I love you and I appreciate you.

Taking the time to talk to me or play with me - and you, especially YOU, Tosh, recently, thank you - means more than I can say. It's kept me sane. I know it seems like little things to you guys, but it means the world to me.

So, thank you.

So, today was my follow-up appointment:

- got my trach tube out
--- the hole in my throat should apparently close from the inside out over the next three or four days.

- apparently there was a small tube near my feeding tube that was growing into my stomach and the nurse had to CLIP it out. Um, ow. OW.

- she took off most of the dressing on my skin graft on my thigh. It's all... hot pink.

- my arm is doing fine and I can start exposing it to the air when I'm sure that it won't get bumped.
--- aka: when Jack isn't around and I'm just watching TV.

It was a productive trip. I can drink clear liquids. Hopefully when I go back next week, I'll graduate to MILKSHAKES.

Go me.

Bobo is resting on the air mattress (where she slept last night) and I'm reading stuff on the nets.

Pryllie called me earlier, and that was a great surprise in and of itself, nevermind the one she's promised...

I added drugs to my 'lunch', yes I did. Later, we'll hit the pharmacy.

I couldn't do this without Lani, and I don't know how I'll ever express my gratitude to her. How do you thank someone who puts their life on hold for you, even for a short period?

My dad came by. He was disturbed, I could tell. Lani was a fantastic interpreter.

... I feel ...

yeah.

Listening to Miley Cyrus' 'The Climb' made me cry and I felt silly, but it's so much more appropriate, even now.

I'm sure I'll discuss these topics in greater depth later, I'm just tired.

So, tomorrow/today is my surgery.

Not gonna lie. Kinda nervous. And don't say, "Nothing to be nervous about, you'll be fine" because I KNOW that. I know I'm going to be fine and I'm even at the point where it's like, "I probably don't even have cancer, it's probably just a funky ulcer that just won't go away and it doesn't HAVE to be indicative of anything else" but still.

Part of it is because my mom isn't here. This is the first thing that's been seriously wrong with any of us since mom died and... well, she's just not here and it's scary. I don't know. Just, mom's make everything better. *shrugs* Call me a fatass weenie if you have to, but that's the way it is.

Per my doctor's request, I had a will made up. THAT was a reality check and probably the reason I'm all kinds of weird about it now. "Blah blah, use my stuff to pay off my debts, blah blah, everything goes to Kyle and my executor in trust and Cher's executor and the boss of Kyle and if she can't then Lani is, The End."

Just your basic stuff. All notarized and made official. Just... scary. It's all real and I'm all grown up and a single mom and ALONE.

I'm alone.

This.

2nd degree burns.

On the roaster trying to make David's welcome home dinner.

I have so much pain and so much vicodin.

So, I should be writing my NaNo. I could be RPing. Neither seems like fun. I am not a creative person, I've realized. Instead, I do the same shit over and over and over and think I'm clever and I'm really just not.

I don't feel good. I got sick in the shower tonight. I am trying to nurse a migraine. I have this wicked icky thing that has been GROWING on my tongue in my MOUTH for- you know? That just sounds way more grody than it is. I bit it, then I burned it, then the baby gave me thrush. That's all. *sighs*

Plus, Cher did something horrible to me: she made me watch FRIENDS, and unlike the three seasons of Supernatural? There are ten of Friends. I hate this show and yet... I can't not watch. And I went for so long, too.

I'm headachy, I can't get a job in FUCKING NOWHEREVILLE and I can't pay my storage.

I want to complain SO much and this post just isn't cutting it.

I'm apparently throwing a Pity Party and ya'll are invited.

Plus: I'ma hafta kill the dog, the boy and the neighbor. Who wants to come to THAT?

Okay, so... they put me on these pills for my "high blood pressure", which I've had since I was pregnant with Kyle (12 years ago for those keeping score).

I'm not sure these pills are right for me.

Yesterday was my SECOND DAY taking these pills and they warned me that I'd be a lil dizzy and what not. Um, yeah. Every time I went to stand up and move, it was like I'd just run 12 blocks. My head would start pounding, it was hard to breathe... yeah.

So, last night, I'm laying there and sleeping and then OHMYGOD chest pain. And as I'm laying there, in the dark, trying to calm myself (because I've had chest pain before but not QUITE like this)? All I ended up doing was psyching myself (because my MOM woke up at 1 in the morning with chest pain and DIED) out and I went down the hall to Rach's room (not even coherent, I'm sure) and sitting in her chair. Seriously, my chest still aches this morning.

------

These pills? I'm not taking them today. I need to go back to the doctor. This was not okay.

Tired. But finally without headache. Thank GOD. Saturday I had to shoot up with Imitrex which, SO not my favorite thing. It causes almost more pain to begin with and then it left me with a dull throb rather than the sharp pain I'd had. Sunday wasn't TOO much better but I took 2500mg of Tylenol and then two hours later another 500mg and that finally did it. FINALLY. Holy Christ. I haven't had a headache like that in SO long.

Cher - Bizzy. I said BIZZY. AHAHAHAA.

Know why this is so funny? I was up til three and up again at six.

*snorfles*

Also? I'm almost out of pills. I need that refill. Doctor's SUCK. Also also? And this isn't really funny except where it is?

Seizures aren't funny (except when they are).

Must. Not. Stay. Up. Late.

For someone who's been in bed before ten for almost a week in preparations for say, a JOB? This was not good. I'm right back to not feeling good and being headachy.

That said? It was SO FUNNY and GOOD TIMES! Anne vs. Dean Winchester = hilarity on so many fronts.

He shouldn't have walked in, that's all there is to it.

So, yesterday morning I had one. It sucked. It was DIFFERENT, but it sucked. Details are all in a private entry for my own personal knowledge later.

I ended up going to the ER anyway, which I hadn't done in a bit, because I needed medication and mentioned my headaches and so THAT got me some good headache medicine that's NOT Imitrex. But this doctor? Failed kinda hard at hiding his concern. He was super nice, though. Waited three hours to see him for ten minutes. Oy.

Still, here we are and eh. I thought I was really alert for a lot of yesterday, but I don't remember a lot of it now. Such is the way of things.

I remember that last night I started watching THE FULL MONTY before falling asleep. *hee* My mom loved that movie. So I rewatched the end this morning.

Aww, fun.

Now? Hey, Cher! I'm watching your FAVORITE MOVIE EVER:

A League of Their Own... and it was just your favorite bunch-o lines, too. *snickers*

Rachael: "This is why you called me? To tell me about your brain tumor?"

Lodi: "Get that checked out and THEN call me back."

Cher: "Can I call you on my way home from work?"

Meredith: "Go lay down." (To be fair, I didn't tell Meredith about my brain tumor. I simply told her my migraine had lasted a week)

Lani: *didn't answer phone*

Don't I have such LOVING and CARING friends?!

So, clearly, chocolate (which I don't like and don't eat much of anyway) is a migraine trigger for me, because ohmygod ow. Lesson learned.

Had a meeting this morning that went really well. I'm happy with the outcome. Also, my phone problem was fixed for the most part. Turns out the lady signed me up for the 900 minute plan when for 40 bucks more, the unlimited minutes plan was what I had asked for. Oy. ELEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS LATER, holy shit.

Also, watched Space Camp this morning and War Games this afternoon. Um, yeah. Space Camp reminds me of my own childhood and War Games STILL gives me chills. Only this time, while watching it? I realized that I KNEW ONE OF THE GUYS IN IT! Like, I recognized him. From Stargate SG-1. For those keeping score, the friend he goes to see about Falken's printout, Jim? Yeah, Nerus - Ba'al's buddy. Also played Bailey Pruitt in Mystery, Alaska AND the Major who shoots himself in Dances with Wolves.

Serious hand --> forehead moment. It all came in a WHAM moment. I love those. :D

... onto RP thangs.

When it comes to RP/Writings and thangs, I'm just so not in the mood. I mean, I have Shan in a game somewhere and that's fun, and I'm doing lil prompts here and there that I pick up from different comms, but other than that, eh.

I told Rach like, months ago when I first put everyone on hiatus that I was done 'begging' for it and really, I guess that's what it boils down to. I'm not feeling it and really, no one else is. I don't blame them. Heh. Maybe some other time.

How about a nice game of chess? ;)