InsaneJournal

Current mood:

drained

[Real Life] It's been a long couple of... weeks? Months? I don't even know anymore.

It seems like everything has just meshed into one big ball of meh and whateverness. I know that I haven't felt so much in pain in a really long time. It's just been getting steadily worse and I can't remember the last time I didn't hurt. I can't brush my teeth without pain, I can't sleep without pain, I can't swallow without pain. Hell, I can barely swallow.

That was the big trigger: not being able to swallow. It sent me into a panic and I went to the ER on a whim. They gave me decadron that one night and when I woke up the next morning, I still hurt, but I didn't hurt as much. My tongue, for the first time in... I couldn't tell you how long, didn't touch the side of my mouth or my cheek. My teeth. Whatever. But it does.

My tongue is all white there, it doesn't come off and it's sore constantly. There are actual sores there and a massive ulcer in the back. I can't chew most of the time, it hurts to talk because (and I didn't even know this) of how much your (my) tongue touches my teeth/cheek/roof of my mouth.

Even stretching it to yawn causes me massive pain. Just on the one side, though. And I have a major lump in my neck. I've even let Lani & Rachael feel it beacuse I'm so nice.

It all started in October, but the last two months have seen it go from bad to so bad I can't stand it anymore.

Swallowing is seriously a chore. I have to concentrate to do it, even with my saliva. Sometimes I choke on it and I have to drink water constantly. And I know my mouth smells funny and it's embarrassing as hell.

And there... there I start to cry.

So, on Wednesday, I'm having surgery. A biopsy. The ENT I saw on June 1st wanted to do surgery on June 2nd but was afraid he couldn't get approval from the insurance in time. So, on Wednesday, I know they're going to biopsy my tongue and check down my throat to see what lesions and lumps are in the way there. About the lump in my neck, I don't know if they're going to go through my throat or through the outside of my neck, but I think they're going to check that out, too.

Having someone say, "I'm concerned you have tongue cancer" is pretty frightening. But, you know, after everything else and with my sister and the friends I have and the people I know?

I'm going to be okay. I will.

Pray for me.